Non-PC Recruiting

We have three folks retiring this FY
And we’ll have to replace them I sure
While they want us to recruit the disabled
I’m not sure what to use as a lure?

Our lift, at its best, is just shaky
It fails every couple of weeks
And we don’t have someone who know signing
So the deaf have no help so to speak
And the blind – I really don’t see how
They could work here with all that we read
And the “slow”, well we already have them
In all truth, we need someone with speed

Be they missing a limb
Be they her or a him
I’m not sure they would feel they belong
But as arguments go
You know that I know
I haven’t a leg to stand on

Those that stutter and twitch
Of those we are rich
I notice them briefing GOs
But I guess we could use
Someone who has fused
A couple of fingers or toes

But I needn’t worry
The boss sees no hurry
The jobs can be vacant henceforth
They’d just be content
If the vacancy’s sent
To be downgraded and filled there up North

Mdailey
07/24/08

Breakfast Feast

The Story: Our front office personnel decided to hold an unannounced team building exercise. They brought in breakfast food – cooked bacon in the common break room which put that marvelous smell drifting through the whole office – and then took everything into the front office – behind a closed glass door – but within sight of anyone in the hall – and proceeded to feast on the food. Meetings with leadership were postponed while this was going on and when they were all through, they brought what was left and put it in the common break room for anyone that wanted it – a couple of crumpled up waffles and a single piece of sausage. It upset most of the rest of the staff as they felt invited in by the aroma but driven away by the front office staff.

My Version:

The Breakfast Feast
(Or how I learned my place in the office)

They've driven a wedge in our office
They don't even know it just yet
They've divided us into the haves and haves not
And pushed our morale into debt
Just this morning a breakfast was held there
The Aroma our appetites wet
Behind the glass doors was a table
And upon it a banquet was set
They let us all watch the production
They ate till their hunger was met
Then they offered up scraps from their table
Like you would to a household pet
Yea - They've driven a wedge in our office
And they don't even know it just yet!


mdailey
10/19/07

A Definite Maybe

Did you ever work in one of the offices that was constantly undergoing reorganizations but no one wanted to give you the details? I did!

We’ve got us a definite maybe
From an org chart they hung on the wall
We could color in all of the boxes
But we haven’t a crayon at all
They fear that maybe we’ll eat them
Or sharpen them to a sharp point
Use them to commit hara-kiri
Just to get out of this joint
Or maybe they think we’re all stupid
And give us all these monkeyshines
But we’re smarter than they give us credit
We all can read in between lines

Mdailey
08/01/08

Back when I still worked, we had contractors in the office and (by law) they had to be treated differently. But they were always asking if they could legally do this or do that so I wrote them a little poem as a reminder.

When events come up for the workforce – one or more of the support contractors always asks if they are allowed under terms of the contract to attend the event. Since the response is always no, I tried to put it into something they would remember. The reverse question also comes up – Can I be in the office without any government people there.


Rules on Contractors

There are two rules on contractors you need to know
If you are asking is it somewhere contractors can go
Rule one will apply - and the answer is NO!
If you don't like the answer and you are coming undone
Then rule two simply states - see Rule number one!

The reverse of this question has also been known
Can I work in the office when I’m all alone?
When all of the government folks have gone home?
Well – there’s really no reason for writing this poem
See the answer to One up above.

The answer is NO this you can embrace
There must be a government person in place
No if ands or buts in every case
If we’re not in here you can’t show your face
See the answer to One up above

Mdailey
01/18/08

Another event came up and as always I had to put in a disclaimer telling the contractors that they were not authorized to attend on the government’s time.

Contractors - please don't ask me the question
You all know the answer - but here's a suggestion
If your workload allows it and your boss says OK
Put in a leave slip and take off that day.

Of course one of the contractors had to find the flaw in my note to them – something about no such thing as a leave slip for a contractor.

So, I sent him this note

Remember Contractor x - he used to bug me like you
And even Contractor Y got a dig in or two
Are they still around? You know what I can do?
Have a nice day - this discussion is through!

Poetic license!!!!!

Mdailey

Telecommuting

It's no secret that supervisors are skittish about their employees working outside the office. But convincing them that productivity isn't tied to physical setting is key to boosting the reputation of telecommuting in government. Here are two different takes on the subject. Anyone care to comment?

Telecommuting


Now you see them - now you don’t
Here they’re working - there they won’t?
What an archaic point of view
Tele-working works - Who knew?
If you seldom venture out your door
You don’t see them less (or more)
Here at work or there at home
To tell the truth, they’re on their own
That’s a fact you can’t refute
Let your workers tele-commute!

Mdailey
04/28/08

Telecommuting & remote computing
The technology’s ripe for all this
The problem is us; it’s a matter of trust
I’m really sure that’s all it is

We are not fools; we have all the tools
To do lots of work from our home
But the powers that be can’t seem to see
The savings that others have shown

There’s no denying we all should be trying
To telecommute if we can
In times of recession more tele-sessions
Should be a big part of the plan

If I had my druthers my sisters and brothers
I’d work from my home every day
There’d be savings at last; on the gas I would pass
And I’d do that if I had my way

Mdailey
10/17/08

EVERYBODY MUST GET MOVED

The Story: Our parent organization was looking for a place to build a fitness center and decided that our building was ideal. It would mean moving at least 10 of our personnel out of the area and into new – more cramped quarters but HQ is HQ and we had to comply. My apologies to Bob Dylan.


EVERYBODY MUST GET MOVED

They’ll move you cause they say they must get fit
They’ll move you and they will not care a bit
They’ll move you into smaller office space
They’ll move you even though it is a waste
But you should not feel so all abused
Everybody must get moved

They’ll move you cause their visitors need rest
They’ll move the worst and YES, they’ll move the best
They’ll move you cause they’ve got to place this guy
They’ll move you and they will not tell you why
But you should not feel so all abused
Everybody must get moved

They’ll move your things but will not move your phone
They’ll move you and say its your new home
They’ll move you up and down the hall
They’ll move you and they will not care at all
But you should not feel so all abused
Everybody must get moved

mdailey

Poor Richard

This was written when one of the usual suspects said he was not going to lunch with us but was going home. He said it all with a knowing smile and speculation was colorful. So – out came the bad poetry to remember the moment.

Nooner

I knew that later or sooner
Influenced by planets or lunar
One would give in to the itch
I never thought it'd be Rich
To head off to home for a Nooner

Mdailey
06/27/07
================
One of our workforce notices several good looking women going to an office event that he could not attend. He was looking forward to the pictures from the event and was quite disappointed when they came out and he only saw the ladies from the back. He voiced his disappointment to me and I replied in kind - - - -


Why do they bother to get out the Kodak
If the beautiful folks are just shown from the back
Poor Richard will simply be so disgruntled
He wants all his beauties to be pictured - full frontaled


Mdailey
06/29/07

Of course any names used in my poetry are not necessaarily attributed to anyone of that name. Sometimes names are changed to fit the rhyme.

Summer Hires

Each summer, the federal government brings college age students into the workforce to give them a taste of federal service. We do not always handle this influx of help quite like i think we should.

SUMMER HIRE

We hire them each summer
One thing they never knew
That when it came to working them
We didn’t have a clue
So some were shredding papers
And bored almost to death
And some were running round so much
They couldn’t catch their breath
Some thought them just free labor
Some thought them budding learners
Some thought it just a give away
We thought them salary earners
So we hire them each summer
And hope we can install
The worth of Federal Service
Before we lose them in the fall

Now I don’t have the statistics
But hope we did inspire
Some to work for Uncle Sam
Who once were Summer Hire


Mdailey
08/21/08

Water Walkers

We all have workers we know that seem to get everything handed to them and management think they can do no wrong. Here are my thoughts on the subject.

Water Walkers

We have some good writers – we have some good talkers
Then we have what we call the Great Water Walkers
They’re not always the best of the best I must say
But they get the plush jobs and the plush bonus pay
The leadership thinks they’re the perfect solution
To all that is wrong with this institution
They get accolades denied to their peers
But most of us see them as just smoke and mirrors
They get an assignment and go off in hiding
So nobody sees on whose coattail they’re riding
They could get into s—t till it covered their nose
And somehow come out smelling just like a rose
Is there resentment from the rest of the crew?
I haven’t got facts but I’ll give you a clue
If asked “are you sleeping” can you answer it true?
Is the Pope really Catholic? The woods full of bear poo?
Of course there’s resentment if I had to guess
For most Water Walkers are full of B.S.!

Mdailey
12/05/07

Slut buzzard

In the Spring - a lot of our thoughts turn to love. Well it is no different in the animal world and from our office windows, we get to see all kinds of interpretations on this theme. This first one got a lot of attention from the folks on the 3rd floor. We had these buzzards courting woo on the roof of the building next door.


Slut Buzzard

She turned her back on him
He turned his back then too
They’re not speaking to each other
As lovers often do
“You’re taking me for granted”
“You should keep your big beak shut”
“You’re not the man I wanted”
“You’re just a Buzzard Slut”

Slut Buzzard – Slut Buzzard
They’re filthy and obscene
Doing things you shouldn’t do
Seen through my window screen

She’s big and black and ugly
He’s no handsome prince
They’re doing it on roof tops
My mind’s been bothered since
The crowd’s all standing dumbstruck
Not knowing what to do
It’s burned into my eyes I fear
Two vultures making woo


Slut Buzzard – Slut Buzzard
They’re filthy and obscene
Doing things you shouldn’t do
Seen through my window screen

They gathered all the office
To watch these vultures mate
Calling folks from down the hall
Come quick these guys won’t wait
And like a fool I looked up
It was just a passing glance
Now every time I close my eyes
I see this buzzard dance

Slut Buzzard – Slut Buzzard
They’re filthy and obscene
Doing things you shouldn’t do
Seen through my window screen

Mdailey
04/08/08

This next one took place in the big oak tree outside of my boss's window.

FUZZY

There’s something ‘bout this building
I don’t know what it is
But nature all around us
Is getting down to BIZ
The other day the vultures
Were really going to town
And this morning squirrels on the tree
Had thrown the gauntlet down

Fuzzy tails are flying
Fuzzy look – a fuzzy smile
Fuzzy hearts are all a flutter
As they dance in fuzzy style

They chase around from branch to branch
The lead one playing coy
Staying just out of his reach
Appears to be her ploy
They chatter and they twitter
As they clutch out on a limb
We think that one’s a fuzzy girl
And one’s a fuzzy him

Fuzzy tails are flying
Fuzzy look – a fuzzy smile
Fuzzy hearts are all a flutter
As they dance in fuzzy style

He wraps his fuzzy little arms
Around her fuzzy bod
And with a smile she acquiesced
With a fuzzy little nod
Then all at once they look up
See us watching from inside
And like two lovers caught mid-act
They both run off and hide

Fuzzy tails are flying
Fuzzy look – a fuzzy smile
Fuzzy hearts are all a flutter
As they dance in fuzzy style

Mdailey
4/10/08

NSPS-National Security Personnel System

With the NSPS in the news lately - congress and the Federal union want to kill the program while the Army wants to keep it going - I thought I would share some thoughts on the subject. Until recently, I was a "transition manager" in NSPS - meaning I was the office expert and kept everyone informed on deadlines and the processes needed to meet those deadlines. I was never a great fan of the system but saw that it did have it's good points but like all personnel systems, it could be used by management to get what they wanted.

NSPS - Just Compensation?

How they calculate your next year salary if you are in NSPS - - -
(Current pay + ((60% X (3.9% - 1.0%) X GS Pay Raise) + subjective pay pool adjustment)) + local market supplement [1% of 40% of GS Pay Raise] = new 09 salary and/or salary + bonus depending on the whim of the pay pool board. This may or may not work out to your advantage when you retire and the pay pool panel may or may not have had that in mind when they finalized their input into the equation. Are you confused?

Alas, I am confused
Am I AM (or NOT) abused
Was my performance-pay award
Worth more across the board
Then the GS pay I’d get
If I was GS yet

It should come as revelation
This sequence of calculation
Does little more than fluster and confuse
But let me tell you, Honey
It was done to save THEM money
And in the end, it’s workers who will lose

No need to jump and shout
It was done to impart doubt
And to add to the confusion
So you don’t jump to the conclusion
But simply shrug and drop it
And not know who made a profit

(But get it through your heads, I bet it was the Feds)

Mdailey
01/07/09

For those not in the National Security Personnel System (NSPS) – the calculation of next year’s pay is something that can not readily be explained no matter how much math you have in your background. There are variables of variables that do not show up in any equation but we are asked to take it on faith that the new NSPS pay system is fair and better than if we were still in the old General Service (GS) pay
=========================
Flexibility Changes in NSPS

You knew it was coming though the experts all said
The “good old boy” network was finished, was dead
But now DOD wants to change hiring rules
Give management options with new hiring tools
No need for the standard vacancy old announcement
You can select from just locals in their new pronouncement
And expanding the use of temporary appointments
Converting at will to permanent full anointments
And you can keep it all secret if you’ve got the notions
No need to publish the results of promotions
This particular proposed regulation it seems
Is likened to ‘good old boy’s” favorite dreams
The merit system will die and be wiped off the page
Replaced by a system ripe for patronage
It’s seen by the experts as a radical change
But for those of us living it – it doesn’t seem strange
You knew it was coming though the experts all said
The “good old boy” network was finished, was dead

Mdailey
12/05/08
Defense proposes hiring, promotion flexibilities for NSPS
By Brittany R. Ballenstedt bballenstedt@govexec.com December 4, 2008
The Defense Department on Wednesday proposed expanding staffing flexibilities available to managers under its new personnel system. The draft regulations, published by Defense and the Office of Personnel Management in the Federal Register, call for modifications to recruitment, hiring and promotion procedures under the National Security Personnel System. Under the new rules … managers would be required to notify potential candidates, but they would not have to advertise the opening using the standard vacancy announcement procedures. Managers would have the option of only looking at local residents, should a sufficient number apply. The rules also expand its use of temporary appointments. The temporary spots could be converted to permanent status later.

Matt Biggs, legislative director for the International Federation of Professional and Technical Engineers, criticized the regulations on Thursday, noting they "drastically limit the pool of job applicants, base promotions on the already flawed NSPS performance review process and inexplicably fail to publish the results of promotions."
"This particular proposed regulation aims to bury the merit system and replace it with a hiring and promotion system that will be ripe for patronage, not to mention lacking transparency," he said. "It seems to be a very radical change, and an unwarranted change."

First Blog on Office Events and Characters

this is my third Blog site. It will be used to post poems on office events and characters I have encountered at the office or just in life. Since I just retired on 2 May, I will start with a couple of poems I wrote for my retirement.

Farewell

So long, farewell,
auf Wiedersehn, good night
I see the light
I think the time is right

So long, farewell,
Auf Wiedersehn, goodbye
We all must leave
This time I fear it’s I

So long, farewell,
auf 'voir , auf wiedersehn
I’ve had some fun
I hope you’ve had the same

So long, farewell,
Adios & toodleoo
It’s been a blast
There’s no more I can do

So long, farewell,
Auf Wiedersehn, adieu
I’ve done my best
The rest is up to you

So long, farewell
Adios’ & Cheerio
My day is done
And now it’s time to go

====================================
There once was a man from Chantilly
At 60 thought boy this is silly
I’ve done my share
So I’m out of there
This will be my last poem to you – really!

Mdailey 05/01/09

Who You Gonna Call

I’ll be leaving today
And I just had to say
I’ve had a good time with you all
But when I am home
I won’t answer the phone
So who are you gonna call?
Well, Loretta called Eddie up front
Said “Eddie we’ve ended the hunt
So just be a dear
And say I volunteer
And I’ll do anything that you want”
So no one should have any doubt
About who around here will help out
Eddie Ansell’s been named
(He’d say he’s been framed)
To be the man with all the clout
But Eddie can’t do it alone
He needs helpers as history has shown
So Loretta has said
That Cheryl and Deb
Will be alternates that you can phone
So if something needs fixin’ – call Ed
No answer? Call Debbie instead
If she can’t be found
Run Cheryl to ground
Your support around here won’t be dead
[More to follow this afternoon]

Mdailey / 05/01/09